Originally published Jan. 15, 2007
LONDON -- Billionaire Harry Potter author, J. K. Rowling, acquired Buckingham Palace and evicted the royal family, calling them "ungrateful tenants who were defiling the neighborhood."
"They're hillbillies with money," Rowling said of the royals. "If they didn't have the family jewels, they'd be watching 'Big Brother' on the telly and cheering on Milwall with the other racist football hooligans. Instead, they go hunting and play polo."
Rowling accidentally acquired the property from an obscure bank trust that had owned the palace instead of the royals.A legal scholar had found that the Royals had mortgaged the property to finance the Napoleonic Wars, the loan was never repaid to the mortgage holder.
Rowling discovered the defaulted mortgage by accident and immediately foreclosed on the property.
"We're talking about 200 years of uncollected interest those swine owe my bank," Rowling said. "They're a bunch of ungrateful tenants who were defiling the neighborhood with their tawdry affairs and surly fights. In any other neighborhood, they would have been locked up.
"They even had the nerve to try to take the jewels with them," said Rowling, who built a billion-sterling media empire of movies, films and merchandise on the tales of a boy wizard. "I'll probably melt down some of the gaudier stuff."
A shaking Queen Elizabeth II was seen at the curb of the property crying.When asked for comment, she replied, "F--- off! You wanker."
Big Plans for 'Potterland'
Rowling plans to bulldoze the palace to build a real life Hogwarts theme park, called Potterland.
"If Walt Disney can build a theme park with the flimsy premise of an animated mouse, I could turn most of London into my own playland," Rowling said. "I really just need to keep up with the Oprahs."
Rowling's accidental acquisition came after she was nervous about big banks being stuck with bad debts. This would have left her deposits vulnerable, she said.
Also, big banks were unable to meet some of her specific needs."My bank has a swimming pool filled with my money, so I could take a dip whenever I feel a little blue," Rowling said.
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